LAUREL COUNTY, Ky. —
We have a dog gate on the front porch so that we can keep our horse that looks like a dog confined to the premises when he’s not outside in his run. Loretta maintains the gate was closed on Friday night when we went to bed because she checked on it. Which begs the question, “Then why on earth didn’t you bring my shoes in when you went outside to check the gate?” But I didn’t raise it because I was in no mood to discuss whose responsibility my shoes are.
So Loretta maintains the thief has to be a raccoon that is either getting under the gate or between the porch rails. The coon snatches a shoe or colorful throw pillow, hops up on a table and tosses his loot out in the yard. Then he slips back through the rails or under the gate and takes it wherever coons take stuff like that. The coon, she maintains, has to be a male because no female of any species would put up with the way my shoes smell. Then she says that maybe it’s a pair of coons and the female, with obviously good taste, has been stealing her pillows.
But I don’t think the culprit is a coon or coons because our garbage cans have not been bothered in ages and there’s no such thing as a garbage can that a raccoon or team of raccoons can’t overturn. I also point out that our sweet corn is coming in and the patch has not been raided even though several friends and neighbors have had theirs destroyed overnight. My sweet corn problem is a horde of mixed black birds, and the solution involves firearms but that’s another story for, maybe, next week.