LAUREL COUNTY, Ky. —
Twinkies just became vintage. The scrumptious yellow gluten-filled vessels with white gooey cream on the inside are soon to be no more. The tragic bankruptcy of the 82-year-old Hostess Brand has snatched the king of all unhealthy treats right out of our privileged American hands and has become a true sign of our struggling economy.
I’m going to truly miss the calorie-packed treat, along with Wonder Bread, Ho Hos and Ding Dongs. My childhood is doused with Hostess memories including when my grandfather would treat me to a Hostess cake every time I came over to visit. It was his way of saying “I love you.” Grilled cheese sandwiches will never be the same without Wonder Bread, so I suppose my healthy wheat substitute will have to do. As far as Ho Hos and Ding Dongs go, well, they speak for themselves.
Approximately 18,500 workers will be laid off while the brand is up for grabs. So many have hope that a rival company will purchase the iconic sweets and carry on the legacy, but I guarantee you — nothing will ever taste same. America, we can thank the bakers’ union for this monstrosity to our kitchen snack drawers and cabinets. I suppose we all will have to find an alternative snack like carrots or, God forbid, broccoli to suppress our afternoon hunger cravings.
I predict all Hostess products will be wiped off of the shelves by Thanksgiving, never to be found again. What many don’t realize is that we are an obese nation, and Hostess was a prime contributor to our dirty habits. Even before the baker’s union strike, Hostess endured years of plummeting sales as Americans turned to their rivals’ products while labor costs increased along with the ingredients.
I can hear it now, parents 10 years from now will be saying, “I wish I had a Twinkie,” followed by a child’s obnoxious but quizzical reply, “What’s a tw-een-key?”
So we all better get used to change, especially you Facebook complainers, because the phrase “Now that’s the stuff, Hostess” will never be uttered again in our lifetime unless it appears on VH1’s “I love 2012” decades from now. No gluten-filled product that touches our lips well ever be as delicious as the Twinkie was, and no snack will have a funnier name than a Ho Ho. We as a nation were the cause for the decline in Hostess sales, and it’s our job to carry on the legacy of Twinkies by remembering its sweet and fluffy goodness in the oncoming times of hardship.