LAUREL COUNTY, Ky. — I don’t get out and about as much as I’d like to these days. The last two strokes in October have put another serious hitch in my giddyup.
But when I am able to go shopping, I’d like to just once, between now and Christmas, walk into a store that didn’t have Little Drummer Boy on instant replay blaring through the speakers. I don’t want to overdo the Scrooge bit here, but if you hear or read news accounts of some old guy ripping off his clothes while running through the aisles at Wally-world screaming, “TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!,” that was probably yours truly because I’d heard one rumpa-pom-pom too many.
Whatever happened to “Gramma got run over by a reindeer?” Or “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus?” Why can’t they pipe in some good holiday music for a change? Last year it was that 12 days stuff over and over and over. I was in the sporting goods section and a guy next to me said, “If you’ll go over to hardware and get a chain saw, I’ll grab a shotgun and shoot all them aggravating bob-whites when you saw the pear tree down and the covey flushes.”
I replied, “But I thought there was only one partridge in that tree.”
He said, “Nope, where there’s one quail, there’s a lot more. That’s what them calling birds are and everybody knows that French hens and turkel doves are game birds too.”
We had it all planned out. As soon as he’d “harvested” the birds, we’d run over to lawn and garden, fire up a grill, and pass out free samples of barbecued game bird while telling folks they could buy the Bull’s Eye Barby Sauce that was stacked there right next to the cornflakes over on the far side of the store, in the other zip code, and that they could get some good hiking boots on sale in clothing on the way over there, if they could still find ‘em, and that would make the last half of the trek a lot easier on their feet.