April 25, 2014

On The Rebound: A few things Crash and I believe

LAUREL COUNTY, Ky. — In the classic baseball movie “Bull Durham,” Kevin Costner’s character Crash Davis speaks one of the great narratives in movie history. Well that’s my opinion.

Although much of it cannot be printed here, this is a edited version.

“I believe in the soul, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve.”

I have to agree with Crash on most of these points and would like to add more.

I believe changing from the old fashioned baseball signs to the color-coded, numbers code is equal to what happened to country music when Johnny Cash died. The belt should mean bunt, the hat should be hit, and tip of the nose for take. Everyone knew the signs, but hey we still know what you’re going to do about 90 percent of the time anyway. That’s at least as good as the kids that are looking at their armband to figure it out.

I believe the instant replay in major league baseball was a needed jump in technology for a game that has held a grip on its past like a man that won’t leave a sinking ship because he is comfortable. However, I will flip the channel every time I have to watch some dude in cargo shorts that looks like he has wires are coming out of his hips hand headsets to the umpires. Then they stand around and look at the Jumbotron, while some other guy in New York decides if they made the right call. It took me 12 seconds to make the call on a 16 year old 19 inch Zenith that still has dust on the screen from 1993.

I believe the greatest feelings in sports are a fastball you catch center on the sweet spot, a three-pointer curling off a pick, and a two-rail bank in eight ball with money on the line. The worst feelings are getting blindsided by a linebacker when you think the play is over, swinging at a pitch in the dirt, and any ball that leaves my golf club.

I believe Michael Jordan was the best basketball player ever and George Brett the best baseball player.

I also believe D.B. Cooper survived, Elvis is dead, and we should all be forced to not spend money for two years and live by bartering. Everyone should own a gun, everyone should pick up after themselves and children should live in a world where they can play outside without being afraid. A good book will never let you down, television never made anyone smarter, and you need to occasionally get lost in the woods to find yourself.

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Now that school is out, what are your family’s summer vacation plans?

A. No major plans. We will probably hang out around Laurel County.
B. Going to the beach!
C. Kentucky has a lot of wonderful state parks, and we plan to visit a few and enjoy quality family time.
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