Published: May 13, 2008 04:42 pm         

Musings: A fish out of water

I don’t have a green thumb. You might say I have a black thumb. Or maybe just a dumb thumb.

And my husband is likewise idiotic when it comes to plants.

Yet, together, we have embarked on a do-it-yourself, from-the-ground-up landscaping project. It’s been a long, long, tiresome journey.

The landscaping project started sweetly enough, but after three shopping trips, we were still empty-handed. Our carefully outlined landscaping plots seemed to taunt us with their nakedness.

“What kind of plants do you want?” Tommy asked in frustration.

“Well, I like those spiky things,” I ventured. “And clearly, we need some of those crawly ones. Oh! And we’d better get lots of stuff with color. How about flowers? Do you think we need flowers?”

Tommy drew on his reserves of patience and nodded.

So out we went again. At least the baby was getting some fresh air.

This time, I looked around with determination, while Tommy minded the stroller. When the landscaping guy approached, I was ready.

“This tree is beautiful,” I started. “What is it called?”

“Patio peach.”

He lit a cigarette and took a long drag.

“Oh,” I said intelligently. “Does it need a lot of sun?”

“Partial,” he replied, scratching his head. “Do you get morning sun or evening sun?”

I was trapped. As usual, Tommy had disappeared.

But he wasn’t getting away so easily.

“Have you seen my husband?” I asked politely.

“Is he the one pushing the stroller? I think he’s over there by that spruce.”

Trying not to roll my eyes (or act like I didn’t know which one was the spruce), I went for broke.

“Tommy!” I shouted. “Do we get morning sun or evening sun?”

His head poked out from around a rather large Christmas-looking tree.

“Morning,” he barked, as if he really knew and I was stark raving mad.

“Definitely morning ...” I turned around, but the landscaping guy had disappeared.

I went over to consult with my husband.

“What do you think of the patio peaches?” I asked nonchalantly.

He just stared. He’s really good at that.

“Could you please just go over there and get some plants? Please?”

The little vein in his temple was starting to twitch.

“Alright. Geez.” I scurried back over to the landscaping guy, who had just finished helping some of the normal folk and was rearranging his plants.

I tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hi! Remember me? We were talking about the patio peach trees? Wow, those really are pretty. I think I’ll take, um, how about three? Yeah. I want three.”

He lifted an eyebrow.

“Do you want the red ones or the green ones?”

“What’s the difference?” No way was I giving up now.

“Well, as you can see, the red ones have red leaves. They bloom white. And the green ones have green leaves. They bloom pink or red.”

I nodded vigorously.

“Right, right. How about two red ones and one green one?” Sounded fair enough.

“Well, just pick them out and I’ll load them up.”

I took a deep, steadying breath and managed to dredge up what I hoped was an ingratiating smile.

“You really seem to know what you’re talking about. Maybe you could pick them out for me. All my friends and family are coming by to see our landscaping, and I want it to look just perfect.”

He saw through it, I’m sure, but nevertheless dragged out some healthy looking specimens.

“What else can I do for you?” he asked, gazing longingly at his well-worn camping chair.

“Well, I need some of those crawly things.”

I heard Tommy groan from the depths of the evergreens.

By the time it was all said and done, we came home with the patio peaches, a weeping cherry tree, a snowball bush (because my childhood cat, Patches, liked to sleep under one), a rhodedendron, and six different types of plants of which I don’t know the names. My mom kicked in some ferns and three azalea bushes, and my mother-in-law kindly brought over hosta shoots.

We were ready to get started.

As we stood in the yard with all our plants, potting soil, sphagnum moss, sand, shovel and other gardening implements around us, I could think of only one thing.

“Do you think we need a pond?”