By Mitch Howard
LAUREL COUNTY, Ky. —
I owe two people apologies this week. Well there are probably many more, but we will focus on these two.
First there is a lady at Kroger that pulled up next to me as I walked into the store. She rolled down her window and said, “You need to slow down before you kill somebody.”
Dazed and confused, I just smiled. She just looked at me. I thought it was a joke or a case of mistaken identity. Was this somebody I did not recognize or my guardian angel? Then she repeated her statement again without a smile.
“Gulp,” I said.
So here is my version of the events to the best of my memory. I was not in a hurry that morning. I am sure because I was on my way to work, which I am never in a hurry to reach. I also remember the car in front of me on Highway 192 was going 10 miles under the speed limit. Unless I pushed them I was not speeding.
I pulled into the Kroger parking lot pleased that there were so few cars. I did cut across one lane of the parking lot, something that has caused me much rage at Walmart when other people do it.
I am sorry nice lady for whatever it was I did that prompted you to scare me. I was so afraid to leave Kroger my milk spoiled.
The second lady I will try to be ever vaguer about the location because she scared me more. I was taking a letter to an undisclosed location that sells stamps and delivers mail. At this secret location there is often a line.
I know I was in a hurry this day because my next stop was Hardee’s to get a fresh biscuit. Maybe I was walking too fast and with too much purpose. As I strode up to the line, the lady in front of me spun like I was a mugger.
I am sorry if I recall this exchange incorrectly, but you have to understand I could not have been more stunned if a spaceship had beamed me up.
“Don’t ever disrespect a woman like that. Don’t ever move up on a woman like that,” she said.
I was about an arm’s length away from here. I took another step back and said, “Gulp.”
“I’m serious. Don’t ever disrespect a woman like that.”
I had nothing to say at that point. I still don’t.
Next week I promise to walk and drive slower. It would be O.K. with me if I did not leave the house except for Hardee’s biscuits.