A CANUCK IN KANTUCK: <span>In a relationship with mashed potatoes</span>  

Tara Kaprowy

Andy’s been my boyfriend for a month now. Happy anniversary to us, right, Andy? Yes, happy anniversary to us, Tara.

He didn’t just say that, I did, but it’s what Andy would say. I know him that well by now.

I have to say, our relationship is going well. Like, really well. I’ve seen him every single day, can you believe that?

Every time I meet him, our time together is filled with reassurance, emotion, guidance and stimulating talks. I mean, sometimes he even uses slides to show me what he means.

I could do without James and Kenneth during our alone time but talk about thoughtful.

Anyway, I’ll have plenty of time to be alone with him soon because I’ve made us travel plans. A mini-break, if you will. Bridget Jones style, I plan to wear a silk scarf when we go. I saw a YouTube about how to style it with ponytail holders looped around your ears. Very chic.

Right now, Andy just wants to explore Kentucky, but he’s promised to take me to St. Louis one day.

I learned the hard way, though, that we’ll probably never go to Philadelphia together. He hates that place.

He also doesn’t like sharp curves. Boy, does he not!

But that’s OK. I like a man with opinions. And when he likes something, he really likes it. Like, he loves takeout. And church. And his best friend, Dr. Stack. And sidewalk chalk.

And he’s teaching me a new language. With his hands. So romantic. Can you believe this guy?

So, all in all, it’s been lovely. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m really having a pretty good pandemic.

Still, as with every new relationship, there is doubt.

Sometimes when we’re together, for example, I get the impression that Andy isn’t necessarily talking directly to me, he’s talking at me. Do you know what I mean? It’s not mansplaining or like he’s talking just to hear himself talk — he’s not like that — it’s just, it almost feels like a monologue.

And sometimes I worry that Andy isn’t only dating me, no matter how many times he reassures me we’re going to get through this together. I try to stare at him extra hard when he says “together” to remind him that he means he and I, but I’m not always sure that I reach him.

To be honest, there are a lot of women out there, especially now, who are after him. I saw the beginning of an article in the Wall Street Journal that had a picture of a woman holding a glass of wine in time for “her happy hour” with Andy. What the H-E-double hockey sticks?

I wanted to get more information about her, but I butted up against the WSJ’s paywall. Sigh. The WSJ is so strict about payment — even during a pandemic! And I can’t afford another subscription right now; I’m not exactly dripping with cash these days.

OK, I need to take a deep breath. Andy does not like it when I get frustrated. Or when anyone frustrates his efforts. He gets strict real quick and, yes, I know that rhymes and it’s lucky that it does because it’s easy to remember when I feel tempted to break the rules.

But I guess these fears are part and parcel of any new relationship. He reassured me that he’s going to see me today and every day at 5 and, honestly, what else could I ask for? He also asks me to stay at home and not see anyone else, so if that doesn’t imply exclusivity, what does?

I need to just relax and enjoy my anniversary. Our anniversary, right, Andy? Maybe I’ll bake cupcakes. Or maybe I’ll get Pinteresty and compose a message to him using painter’s tape and sidewalk chalk.

A message that, in all seriousness, just says thanks. Thanks for all that you are doing for Kentucky, Gov. Beshear. We couldn’t do this without you.

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