Our makeup discussion continues, which I hope makes you as happy as it does me. This week, I want to focus on eyes, a treasure trove of discussion points given the galaxy of makeup options that are available to dress up your orbs.
Now, in discussing lipstick last week, I got a little personal, sentimental and even confessed my career in shoplifting. This week, we’re going to talk about eye makeup in a general way, in a “you know what I mean” way. Because there are some universal truths here that don’t need to be clouded by personal narrative, amIright?
First question: Is it ever time to throw out a tube of mascara?
I clearly don’t know this answer, proven by the fact that I found five old tubes while trying to clean out my makeup drawer a few weeks ago.
With each tube I found, I pulled out the wand. The brush seemed black, wet, not that much more clumpy than usual. So I put them all back in the drawer.
And why did I do that?
Say it with me, readers: In case I need mascara in a pinch. In case one fateful day my mascara wand pulls out of the tube dry as a desert, shedding black sand along the way.
“Whatever shall I do?” I’ll say.
Then my despair will dissipate when I remember my Great Depression-like stockpile. I’ll pull out 8,000 mostly-used tubes of mascara and smugly continue with my application.
Second question: Who can do liquid eyeliner?
I came upon a few tubes of this stuff the other day and actually laughed out loud.
Every once in a while, on a whim, I’ll go to a makeup counter for a little pick-me-up.
“Do your worst,” I’ll say to the Boy George-esque man wearing a black belt of makeup brushes.
I’ll inevitably come out of the exchange with a purchase of liquid eyeliner, having been convinced that I, too, can draw on perfectly-winged cat eyes.
Of course, I can’t.
Readers, I can’t draw a circle.
But, post purchase, I stand in front of the mirror in my bathroom and, for a few minutes, feel hopeful. I’ve prepared for the event by watching YouTubes. I’ve seen that there are caterpillary-looking girls out there who can pull off this application and emerge looking like butterflies.
But then I give it a try and the line above my eye looks like Charlie Brown’s mouth just after he’s finished saying, “Good grief.”
This, of course, is assuming I don’t poke myself in the eye with the soggy, apathetic, yet taunting liquid eyeliner brush. Oh, that thing gives me the creeps. And, oh, it stings when you poke yourself.
Question 2b: Does an eyeball make a sound if it’s poked hard enough?
Question 2c: Is it squishy sounding? Or pop-py?
Question No. 3: Can you ever make eye shadow look like it does in the picture?
A few years ago, I bought Kat Von D’s Saint + Sinner palette, whose shades are named for religion-related words — chalice, ashes, vestment, martyr, devil, sabbath, worship — and is housed in a case that is shaped like gothic-style cathedral doors.
It’s the most badass thing I’ve ever owned, honestly, and I get pleasure out of just looking at it, just being near it, just thinking that I am the type of woman who owns such a thing. After my purchase, I looked at a picture of Kat Von D and I looked at me and I thought, “OK, Tara Paule. You’ve arrived. Now is your time.”
Once again, I watched some YouTubes to mimic her look. I laid out my eyeshadow brushes like I was getting ready to paint the Sistine. I even clipped a picture out and taped it to my mirror.
I applied primer. I used the right brushes. I blended, folks. I mean, I blended.
Nothing doing, kids.
I came out of the bathroom wearing “exorcism,” “stigmata,” “exodus” and a hint of “amen.”
I looked it.
My husband looked up from reading his phone and nearly gave himself whiplash looking again.
I could see he wanted to ask, “What happened?”
We’ve been married long enough to know that he shouldn’t.
The real question though, Question 3b, is where I thought I was going to go even if I did pull off Kat’s look? Kroger? Bank? Drycleaner? In Somerset, Kentucky? Can you imagine?
I’ll finish today by asking the final question about eye makeup, the one we all wait to answer every night around 9. You know the one. It’s otherwise known as:
Question No. 4: Are we going to take it off before bed?
There are much more responsible women than me out there who can immediately answer this question with a firm, “Yes, of course.”
These are the women who have skin regimens that involve serums and lotions, who open their mail every day, who use rubber gloves when they wash the dishes.
I am not that woman. I would wager to say I am not the only woman who is not that woman. And it’s not, actually, that I dislike taking off my makeup. In fact, it can feel pretty terrific with one of those wipes. Inevitably you are shocked by just how much darkness you have on your face when you look at the wipe. Inevitably, you feel relieved to have that off of you.
But it’s 9 p.m. You’re tired. You’ll have a shower in the morning. And does it matter? Do you get more wrinkles by wiping away at your eyes every night or do you get more wrinkles by going to sleep with makeup on? You can never remember.
So you go to sleep. And you dream of next week. And the last installment of makeup month.