Our landline telephone has a feature that allows it to keep a record of the last 50 calls that were made to it.

I’m told that some cell phones will save them forever, but I have not had a cell phone in over 10 years. I have absolutely no intention of getting one, but that’s another story for another time.

Between just-past noon, last Tuesday and this past Friday evening, call it three days and six hours, I checked the landline register, scrolled back and found out that I’d had exactly 50 calls during that frame of time. A quick review of those calls revealed that 19 of them were from people we either wanted to talk to, or would have, had we been able to get to the phone.

Thirteen of them went to the answering machine, where one caller actually left a message, while the remaining dozen simply hung up. I’m not sure how many of the 19 legitimate callers we actually engaged in conversation, but I think it’s probably safe to say that we never spoke a word to the other 31.

If I’m sitting close to the phone and caller ID pops up a place name such as Wilmore, Covington, Radcliff, Cadiz, etc., in Kentucky, but no caller name is attached to it, I quickly hit the call button and instantly hang up because the ring tone drives me nuts. All ring tones, for that matter, get on Mr. Parkinson’s nerves.

Lately we’ve even been getting no-name calls from Paint Lick’s 925 locations. I’ve even answered a couple of those because curiosity simply got the best of me. They were robot calls. I hung up and tried to call them back, whereupon the phone company advised me that the number was not in service.

Of the 31 dud calls, in addition to Kentucky connections, we also had callers from Denton, Texas; Phoenix, Arizona; Dover and Wilmington, Delaware; Hollywood and Pensacola, Florida; Trenton, New Jersey; Allentown, Pennsylvania; Spokane, Washington; Cleveland, Tennessee; and Akron, Ohio.

Some even identified themselves. Taxation Today, Humana, Strauss 6, Chiropractic Plus and Medicare Pros were among last Thursday’s callers. Social Security Solutions may have gone out of business. I didn’t see them on the list all week and they usually call twice a day.

With the exception of Humana, we have explicitly told all the identified callers to cease and desist. Occasionally, Humana will leave a message that may or may not be relevant but, even they, are prone to hang-ups.

So, what I want to know is what happened to all those promises to stop this aggravation? We signed up, at least half a dozen times, to have our names and numbers put on no call lists. Most of the big, national charities and benevolent, fraternal orders of law enforcement scams actually stopped interrupting our suppers, there for a few months, but, it’s not unusual for one of them to chime in from time to time.

Remember that TV lawyer firm that promised to get you up to $1,500 for every unwanted call. I can’t remember their name but it may have been, base purely on my impression, Greedo, Lardo and Badhair, LLC.

I never took them up on the offer, even though I could really use the $46,500 that I might have gotten from them less than four days last week. Shoot, if I’d signed on, way back then, I might be a billionaire by now!

In the meantime, I’m wondering if any of you readers have ever collected a nickel from a lawyer who represented you in a nuisance telephone call complaint.

Over the last few months, much ado is being made of stopping robot calls, once and for all time. Supposedly, the government is going to do it because they are here to help.

I am not among the telephone owners holding my breath and hoping my telephone will soon stop ringing.

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